Avian DeathMatch
by Xenophobic Doll
Summary: Ironhide is attacked while minding his own business... and not by Decepticons Crackfic, no smut. The sequel to 'The Birds and the Bee'.


Avian Death-Match!

It was Ironhide that saw Sarah and Annabelle Lennox off to Sarah's Mom's house. Her husband, Captain Will Lennox, had to work. He only got the weekends off. Granted, he wouldn't be home too late, but Sarah still wanted to get on the road before three in the afternoon. Ironhide offered to actually take them to her mom's house, but Sarah declined, saying someone needed to stay and look after Will, as he was probably unable to do it himself. Plus, while she didn't say anything, she thought it might be a good idea for those two to get to hang out together a bit, a little guy time, so to speak.

Ironhide was slightly relieved that Sarah turned down his offer. The last time he'd taken Sarah and Annabelle out, the baby threw her bottle to the floor, and the lid popped off- he had YET to get the smell of sour milk out of his interior. So, he'd seen them off, sour milk or no, he DID care about them, and he hadn't wanted them to leave without someone being there to say goodbye to.

After the battle at Mission City, Ironhide had gotten to know Lennox quite well; the mech liked the man. And his family. He'd given Will a ride his first time home after the tragedy in Qatar, and then he'd discovered that he also liked the man's family. He wasn't like Bumblebee, though. He just dropped by for visits. The weapons specialist had NO intention of becoming a 'family' vehicle. As far as he was concerned, the only thing worse would be to transform into a mini-van. Ironhide shuddered at the thought. He did, however; think that if Annabelle were to want a big black truck when she started driving... After all, he could hardly trust a bucket of bolts built by humans to keep her properly safe.

Ironhide thought about all of these things, and much more (as he could easily process dozens if not hundreds of thoughts all at once) as he sat in the Lennox yard waiting for Will. He hadn't seen the point in going out there that morning to see Sarah off, leaving, and then coming back later that same afternoon. So he'd just stayed. And really, he could think of worse places to park for the day.

He liked the Lennox lawn. It didn't so much have a driveway, as a really big patch of dirt. And, even better, he was perfectly welcome to park anywhere on said patch of dirt he wanted. No fuss, no muss. It was a little dusty (but he could always talk Sam into a car wash) and more than a little liberating. Now, take for example, the Witwicky house. As much as 'Hide loved Sam, he didn't like parking in Sam's driveway for more than a few hours, and if he was going to stay longer, he usually just parallel parked on the street. Their lawn was so perfect the and the driveway so narrow, and his alt-form vehicle was large. Not to mention, they had SO many flowers. Ironhide sighed. Flowers were such...eh...well...flowers. But not in a good way. It was kind of like--

--Ironhide's thoughts broke off in the middle of his explanation to himself about flowers. He'd picked THEM up on his sensors. Them. THE ENEMY. Or, rather, ENEMIES. There was more than one. Way more than one.

The first attack came without warning. He felt it strike his windshield and his whole body convulsed on contact, as though he'd been connected to a live wire. Wildly, he thought, 'Man Down!'

Then, he was too busy fighting for his life to think much of anything.

* * *

Will Lennox was looking forward to getting home. He'd go in, put down his things, grab a quick shower, change into his civvies, and then spend the night hanging with Ironhide, either cruising on a road trip, or goofing off at the Autobot's new headquarters. They'd figure it out when he got home.

Capt. William Lennox was a man that had seen man amazing and unbelievable things in the past two months. Hell, he'd been coming home to hang out with a giant, alien robot that was currently pretending to be a GMC truck. He'd watched another giant, alien robot (evil, this one was) destroy his ENTIRE Air Force base in Qatar, leaving only a handful of survivors. After which, he and his men had been chased through desert by a giant mechanical scorpion. Later, in Mission City, he'd been one of those trying to protect the All Spark from the Decepticons. He'd seen all of those things, (and that's not even including the strictly human battles he'd been engaged in) and never once, in all that time (not ONCE!!) had he been struck speechless.

Until now.

Never before had he seen such carnage. Well, not quite carnage. There was no blood. Only the corpses scattered everywhere. Well, not quite everywhere. More like, scattered in a rough circle with a radius of approximately twenty feet. And, ladies and gentleman, can you guess who was nearly dead center in the middle of that circle? If you said Ironhide, by Primus, you are correct!

Will didn't even drive his truck all the way up his drive way. He parked it to avoid crunching over the bird corpses that were scattered in that circle. It looked like a black raincloud had formed over Ironhide and started raining dead birds. All kinds, too. Will wasn't sure, but he thought he saw a couple of wild geese in there.

He walked toward Ironhide in a daze. Oddly enough, the truck sat there in the midst of all the dead birds serenely, looking almost proud.

"Ironhide, what the hell? Shoot someone with your own steroid dosage! Poor little birds."

Ironhide was confused, both by the remark about steroids, and by Lennox's apparent sympathy for the birds. Bumblebee had warned Ironhide ALL about the birds, and how they liked to attack without warning, even if you were just minding your own business and not doing anything to THEM.

"I was defending myself after being brutally and heinously attacked."

Now Lennox was REALLY confused. "Attacked? By birds?"

"Yes, I was just sitting here thinking about flowers, and all of a --"

Lennox interrupted. "Wait... you were thinking about... Flowers. You?"

A pause from Lennox while he absorbed this information. Then, "So uh, ...you gay? 'Cause, if you are, I'm cool with that, just ya know, don't share any STORIES about it or anything--"

"SHADDUP!!" roared Ironhide. "I am NOT gay. The flower thing is a long story, okay?"

"Okay, okay. Settle down."

"You're missing the most important thing. I fought the birds, taking down ALL the reinforcements that came in, but I was hit before I knew to defend myself. My windshield. I.. I haven't looked. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it."

Trying not to roll his eyes at the despair in the big mech's voice, Will started making his way around the truck. He stepped carefully to avoid the little birdie corpses (Was that an endangered species??) that were scattered all over the ground. Following 'Hides directions Will stopped just before the hinge that connected the driver's door to the truck. He looked carefully, and found the devastating blow dealt by the birds: A tiny spec of poo, about the size of an English pea.

In Will's opinion, this whole episode proved that Karma was, indeed VERY real. When Sam had told him what happened to Bumblebee (and showed him the pictures!) he'd laughed 'till he cried and his stomach ached. It was a good thing he enjoyed that laugh, because now he would get to pay for it by how many dead birds he picked up.

Now, Lennox DID roll his eyes. He pulled out his handkerchief and wiped away the minuscule mess on Ironhide's windshield.

"You can look now Drama Queen, it's gone."

He watched Ironhide relax on his axles.

"Ironhide, you know, birds are pretty stupid. They just crap wherever they want to. They don't understand that they shouldn't go on you. It's nothing personal. They just don't know any better."

Ironhide was silent for a moment, contemplating this bit of news.

"The little bastards know now, don't they?"

* * *

A/N: This is the sequel to 'The Birds and the Bee'. I personally don't think you have to read the first one to get this one, but if you haven't, ya might wanna. It'll help you see why 'Hide thinks the birds are such monsters.

I hadn't planned on writing one, but I read my feedback, and one of them asked what would happen if the birds were to bomb Prime or Ironhide. I ended up with a picture of a big black truck surrounded by dozens of dead birds stuck in my head. This, obviously, is the story that came from that image.

There won't be a third one involving Prime though, for a couple of reasons. As Caz puts it, Prime is too "big and noble" to be shit upon, and two, I had a really big crush on Optimus Prime when I was like, five or something, but don't tell anyone, damnit. P

Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease.

Doll.


End file.
